Love vs Lust - What's the Difference?

I like lust. Lust for me is a hot inferno… I’m thinking of the kind of action you find in Fifty Shades of Grey, when you want another person so bad…sexually. I like love too… it makes me feel wanted, safe, and stable. I’m often asked about the differences between lust and love, and they can be hard to decipher. On that basis I thought writing a few words might be of assistance to my readers – and myself.

When you first meet someone, you might feel a chemistry – but it’s often hard to know whether this is just a sexual attraction, or whether it’s an attraction to the whole person and might lead to something long term. Definitely chemistry is an essential first stage towards desiring someone. Without chemistry and desire, there’s no way to experience intimacy.

So, how do we know if we’re still stuck in the initial stage of attraction, Or ready to transition into something more meaningful and long-lasting? I think there are a few key differences worth mentioning. There may be more – these are just thoughts from my own experience.

Difference 1: Lust is generally concerned with the physical body, whilst love is linked to deeper psychological communication.

Different parts of our brains get stimulated when you hang out with someone. Lust stimulates areas of the brain associated with reward and motivation, whilst love provokes the areas of the brain that help you empathize.

Lust generally happens when you and your partner don’t have much to talk about, but have immense sexual attraction. This is pretty common for two people who haven’t been dating for too long. Love occurs when you love your partner for far more than their body, and can spend meaningful time with them. Love ultimately marks the start of a serious relationship.

Difference 2: Love becomes stronger over time, whilst lust becomes weaker.

Feelings and bonds grow as we get to know more about each other, but lust fades when our sexual desire fades away. Lust is a roller coaster that can only be sustained by physical pleasure. When the real work kicks in, the dynamics of lust either change into desire or the relationship begins to fall apart. If a relationship is based solely on lust, there is no real foundation for two people to fall in love with each other.

Difference 3: Lust is based on fantasies, but love exists in the real world.

Have you ever looked back on relationships you’ve had in the past and wondered how on earth you two got together? I certainly have. Men often fantasise when wanting sex (or thinking about it), but this is a bit of a two edged sword. When you like the idea of someone more than the someone who is actually physically in front of you, you can miss red flags. Its only a matter of time before reality bites, and you both end up hurt.

Difference 4: In Lust, you’re just romantic collaborators or fans of each other. But in Love, you’re lifelong friends.

True love must be built on the foundation of a strong friendship. People in lust are not really friends – they’re just fans of each other’s bodies and sexual chemistry. Two people can agree to be in a relationship, go on fun dates, and even satisfy each other sexually – but it they lack empathy, can’t compromise, communicate poorly, and fail to understand each other, then the prospect of having a long-term future together is extremely low.

Difference 5: Lust is about seeking stimulation and gratification, whilst love is the relentless pursuit of stability.

MRI brain scans of people in lust look similar to those of drug addicts getting a fix of cocaine. That sounds intense, but it also explains why infatuation (lust) can’t last as long as love. To maintain lust, you need a higher and higher dose of sexual excitement over time, as the brain effects of lust gradually wear off through familiarity with the other person. That’s simply not sustainable over a period of time, so lust fades. To keep the excitement in your relationship, you need understanding and love.

Difference 6: Lust is greedy. Love comes from a selfless place.

When you truly love someone, you’ll focus more on helping them reach their goals, and you’ll care about their health and well-being. But when it’s lust, you’ll focus on your own selfish wants – like feeling proud when you’re next to your attractive partner, or simply getting the sex you desire. To move from lust to love, you must determine whether or not you can make compromises for your partner. Thinking about that, do you think you’re in lust or in love?

I’m hoping that this article has helped you to differentiate between the two. If you are in lust right now, remember that your feelings can evolve into love over time. All relationships are different, and all relationships take time.