Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Maybe you’ve experienced love bombing, dumping, belittling, and didn’t know that these are all traits of the narcissist’s ego? My normal advice to women trapped in narcissistic relationships is to RUN, not walk, away – and lock the door behind you. (Note: there are narcissistic men, and narcissistic women.  NEITHER is good.)

Women can never win with a narcissist. You’ll never truly matter to them – and you NEED to know that you DO matter in this life if you’re going to be happy. Need support? Dating Dave is here to help… seriously!

There are generally three stages in narcissistic liaisons. Today I’m going to talk mainly about love bombing, which is the first stage. If you’re currently in a relationship with a narcissist, its love bombing that first attracted you to them, because that’s where ALL narcissists start.

Narcissists are the most shallow people you could ever meet. They have no inner sense of value. All of their value has to be derived from external admiration from others, and from positive comments from others. We normal people call this “egotistical supply”. That’s their lifeblood, that’s their nutrient, that’s their oxygen. Egotistical supply can be in the form of money, prestige, or congratulations. Sadly it also comes in the very harmful forms of mastery over a person, coercive regulations, mental ill-treatment, victimization, bullying. All of these are techniques that a narcissist will use to get somebody under their layer of control.

By making the lives of others hell and controlling them, the narcissist feels better about themselves. They feel like they are controlling the world around them, and that everybody is coming to see how astounding and wonderful they are. They need to feel that, because then they never have to deal with what’s really going on underneath: in reality, they are the most fragile and scared people in the world. They don’t want you to know that secret, because then you’ll realise that you are a LOT stronger than they are! I used to hate narcissists, but then I realised that I’m called to love all in this world – so I no longer feel hate towards them and instead feel PITY.

So the narcissist starts by love bombing you. They tell you they love you over and over, pay you lots of compliments, and really get under your skin as someone who appears on the surface to care about you. And the love bombing process is FAST – you’ll get this super-duper attention and complimenting for a few days – until the narcissist believes you’re falling under their spell. Then the nastiness starts: they begin discarding and devaluing you, or devaluing then abandoning you.

It’s not always linear, so these things can happen in a mixed fashion… or all at once. Sometimes a narcissist will hoover for example. This is when they’re both love bombing you and abandoning you at the same them. They do this as a strategy to control you. They say it takes 10,000 hours to master any subject in your life. Narcissists have spent their lives working out how to control you.

Love bombing is easily detected if you know what to look for. They’ll try to overwhelm you with comments of how amazing you are. This can take place in life, but also in business. For example, the narcissist might promise to be an excellent business partner, and will promise to introduce you to the clients you want, the sales you want, and to open the doors you need to grow your business. But they come on SUPER STRONG, and they very rarely deliver. Instead, after promising you all these things they renege over time because of something you’ve said or done (blaming), or they introduce you to people and imply you’re stupid or naive (belittling), or they drop all contact with you (abandoning) – or just ignore you for a period (ghosting).

Maybe you have everything in your life except a perfect partner. The narcissist will initially package himself up to be as absolutely perfect for you as is possible. He will help you as a busy lady by cooking you dinner, making smoothies in the morning, taking you on trips, and being outwardly caring and loving towards you. And all of this will happen super fast. You’ll be on a fast track relationship from the start, and it will all feel overwhelming.

Within a few weeks the narcissist will suggest moving in with you, or getting married, or talking about what your joint future will be together. And they insist VERY quickly on meeting any children you have, on meeting your family, and on meeting your friends. Their plan is to be in prime position to manipulate and control you, before you have a chance to figure out who they really are. They want you to emotionally and physically connect to them as fast as possible, because then they can start to take over and make your life hell – solely to meet their own sad egotistical supply needs!

This denigrating phase is signified by telling you they love you, but then attacking you via text messages and phone calls. You’ll soon realise that they want to know EVERYTHING about you. They want to know where you are at all times. Why didn’t you call them back right away when they called you? Who are you talking to? You’ll start to get an idea that things in your relationship aren’t right – but by this stage you’re already trapped through love bonding and emotional connection… Narcissists are incredibly jealous. They want you interacting with NOBODY else. They want your undivided attention, and when they don’t get it, they create drama and hassles.

You’ll get comments like “If you truly loved me, if we’re soul mates, then you would give me ALL of your attention.” You might feel guilty, unnecessarily, because you have other people in your life. And then you’ll be trying to give the narcissist more attention because you feel they really need you. Narcissists have a great way of twisting things and making it look like they are victims, or that they need you so much because they had a terrible childhood, or that they need you because their ex-partner was nasty to them or took their children from him. They’ll just keep banging on about how they really need you, right now, and all of your attention right away – until they see you start to cave in and give them your full adulation… thus trapping you again into a form of emotional entanglement.

And then once you’re trapped again, they’ll become anxious when you’re doing other things, they’ll demand right away to know everything you’re up to, they’ll want to know everything that’s happening in your life, and they may even start trying to distance you from your best friends and family. Why? Because the narcissist believes you should only be spending time with each other, and that your friends are negative about him because they’re distrustful that you’ve finally found the “perfect soulmate”. SEE THE SIGNS!

This narcissistic approach circle goes on and on, and over the years you’ll be love bombed, then blamed and belittled, then ghosted and abandoned in increasingly complex and manipulative cycles. The narcissist makes out they need you, but once you leave then they just replace you with another empath / target / idiot, and the cycle begins again. They don’t need YOU – they just need ANYONE that they can control, and that’s the truth!

Narcissistic control is like a drug or food or alcohol or gambling addiction, and it’s hard to break from. It’s like the pigeon pecking on a metal plate that sometimes gives food, and sometimes doesn’t. It’s like a person playing slot machines that sometimes give wins, and sometimes don’t. As long as you’re hooked and playing the game, the person orchestrating the game wins. The narcissist always wins – until you RUN away.

If you feel you must stay with a narcissist, then become a skilled negotiator with them, and get at least some control back on those areas of your life that you consider to be non-negotiable. Narcissists never give up, but they might let you have some freedom on points as long as they control you overall. Scary but true.

Today is a great day to start negotiating your best life. If you need support, reach out. I’m here and I’m a proud member of various online narcissist victim support groups online. People involved with narcissists, male or female, need all of the love and support they can get.