At some point in our lives, almost every one of us will have our heart broken. Many of us will have medical issues too – which require real resilience to navigate through and recover from. When our bodies are broken we fight using our emotional resources to get through our medical treatments. But when our hearts are broken and we need to recover, why can’t we seem to do the same? Why do so many of us flounder when we’re trying to recover from heartbreak? Why do the same coping mechanisms that get us through all kinds of life challenges fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken?
It’s simple. When your heart gets broken, those same instincts you ordinarily rely upon for resilience will time and again lead you down the wrong path to recovery. In short, you can’t trust what your mind is telling you. Sometimes relationships break up for simple and honest reasons, but our instincts tell us to reject simple explanations. Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain, and so our mind tells us that the cause must be equally dramatic. That gut instinct is very powerful, and it can make us come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories where none exist.
My friend recently had his romantic relationship break up, and he spent countless hours going through every minute of their relationship in his mind, looking for clues about the relationship developments that weren’t there. His mind tricked him into going on this wild goose chase – for weeks! Heartbreak is very controlling, and takes us down random rabbit holes. The withdrawal of romantic love makes our minds behave in a similar fashion to when drug addicts are in withdrawal from cocaine or other chemicals.
My friend was in romantic love withdrawal, and because he could not have the “heroin” of being with his previous partner, his mind chose the “methadone” alternative of using his memories with her. Whilst he thought he was trying to solve a mystery of lies and deceit, he was really just trying to get his “fix” of her.
Heartbreak is so difficult to heal because whilst addicts know they’re addicted, heartbroken people often don’t. As compelling as your urges might be, every time you take a trip down memory lane, every time you stalk your ex on social media, and every time you send a text or message to them, you’re just feeding your addiction to them. These actions will deepen your emotional pain, and will complicate your recovery.
It’s a journey to get over heartbreak. No rationale can take away your pain, so don’t search or wait for one. Accept the reason you were given, be willing to let go, and accept that it’s over. This closure is what’s needed to resist the addiction to keep running back to the past. I’m normally a big fan of having hope, but when it’s hope for a former relationship to suddenly spring back into life, it’s likely to be destructive. It’s gone. Move on.
When my heart was last broken I idealised the person, remembering their smile, how they made me feel – blocking out their negative traits. All that ultimately did was make my loss more painful. Now when I think about them I also remember their frown, the times they made be feel bad, and the times they didn’t speak to me for days. And I’ve even made a list of their bad qualities and pet peeves so that I can recall them at a moments notice! Even I, Dating Dave, am not immune to heartbreak. I’m a sensitive soul.
When I experience that heartbreak, I was utterly devastated. I barely functioned at work, and I felt alone and in pain. When you have a job involving logic, reasoning and other complex tasks, heartbreak can really affect your performance. For a period I felt like my overall IQ was lowered. I often asked myself “What’s wrong with me?”. I started reading others experiences online and realised that many people experience clinically measurable depression – and take a long time to heal.
Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief: insomnia, intrusive thoughts, immune system dysfunction. It’s a complex psychological injury. And not only that – when you lose a partner, you can often lose your entire social life with it, and your identity as a couple. Sometimes you also lose a supportive environment of a club, group, church, or other gathering place. Heartbreak creates VOIDS in your life – and to truly fix heartbreak you need to fill ALL of the voids it created.
You need to re-establish your identity – who you are, and what you stand for. You need to reestablish your social life and group activities. You need to fill empty spaces on your wall that pictures of you both used to hang in. Filling these voids will help you to recover more quickly. But you also need to stop the mistakes of your past: stop searching for explanations; start remembering your ex in a balanced way (good and bad); stop hoping and believing that your ex will come back into your current time or future.
Getting over heartbreak is hard, but if you refuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal, you can significantly minimise your suffering. Heartbreak is a battle primarily in your mind. You need to be diligent to win and to overcome it. But you do have weapons. You can fight. And you WILL heal!