Sexual Arousal, Sexual Desire, Sexual Attraction

Sexual desire, sexual arousal, and sexual attraction are all different.

Sexual arousal is a physical response in your body to sexual stimuli – generally things you hear, touch, see, or smell. During arousal, blood rushes to your genitals, producing an erection (in males) or lubrication, erect nipples, and rosy cheeks (in females). Many people report a tingling sensation in their genitals during arousal. Sexual arousal can happen in response to any situation – it’s your body’s way of preparing itself for sex, which is thought to be a protective measure to reduce body harm. Just because someone is aroused doesn’t necessarily mean they are mentally present or enjoying the sensation – which is important to note.

Sexual desire is a psychological response that causes you to want to have sex, and it’s also called sex drive or libido. Sexual desire might occur when someone simply wants an orgasm, but it can also occur when someone just needs emotional intimacy, or has a burning need to sexually satisfy their partner. It’s also a factor in self-love (masturbation) of course, and in other circumstances where people are feeling alone or bored and just want to sexually explore themselves or other people.

Sexual desire is not always the first step to sexual arousal. In fact, in many women, sexual arousal comes first – and then sexual desire forms. Desire won’t just strike randomly. The key to generating desire is to remember your last positive sexual experience, and use this as positive reinforcement to generate desire for your partner… “I’m not really in the mood today, but the last time we slept together it was amazing. So I’ll give it a whirl I guess…”. All going well sexual arousal will happen, and sexual desire will follow.

Sexual attraction is a measure of who you want to be sexual with. As a male I’m sexually attracted to females – but not all females. I generally know pretty quickly who I find attractive, because I experience sexual arousal looking at them, and an accompanying sexual desire for them. It’s possible to be sexually attracted to someone but without initial arousal too. I can be mentally turned on to someone for example, but not yet hard or aroused – and this is more common / normal than you think. It’s also worth noting that there are psychological, relational, physical and even cultural things that can impact our ability to experience desire and arousal.

Some people don’t have any sexual attraction to others, or only in certain contexts – and are typically labelled “asexual”. There’s also “allosexual” people, who experience attraction but simply want to have sex with someone they are NOT attracted to, solely because they have sexual desire for that person, and have some sexual arousal. So there’s no right or wrong here. We’re all different in our tastes, and in our needs and wants.

Society tells us that a good sexual encounter must have sexual attraction, sexual arousal, and sexual desire all working together. This is not true. You can have amazingly satisfying, pleasurable, consensual and mind-blowing sex with just one or two of these present. The more the merrier, but don’t restrict your experiences by demanding that all three elements are in sync.

So, let’s recap what we’ve covered today:

1) You’re reading sexy stories and you start to feel things in your genitals. What is this called? – YES, it’s sexual arousal.

2) You’re bored at home and fancy some masturbation to pass the time. What is this called? – YES, it’s sexual desire. Albeit for yourself!

3) You’ve met someone at a party. You think they look really hot and you want to talk to them but you can’t stop starting at their mouth. What is this called? – YES, it’s sexual attraction.

4) Your friend and crush comes to your house for dinner, and you have thoughts that something might happen between you tonight. After dinner you’re tired and full and you just want to chat, so that’s all you do. What is this called? – YES, it’s sexual attraction. Sadly there’s no sexual desire and no sexual arousal either. Maybe another night will be the one!

5) Your partner knows you’ve had a hard day at work, and when you come home they arrange dinner for you, they put on your favourite movie, and they give you a foot massage. What is this called? – YES, it’s sexual desire. It’s mainly a desire to please your partner, but it’s still sexual desire.

Understanding the nuances of sexual arousal, sexual desire, and sexual attraction can give you better insights into your personal sex life, the needs of your partner, and help you to experience fewer sexual frustrations.