When Should We Have Sex?

Here’s a question people have been asking me for years. “How Long Should You Wait before Getting Intimate in a New Relationship?” This is never a straight forward answer, as it’s different for every couple, and is based on experiences, beliefs, your body condition, your libido, and other factors.

Some girls tell me they have a three date rule. The thought here is that by the third date they’ve got to know the guy, and to work out if he’s potentially genuine or just a “use and abuse” kind of guy. Some girls think that if a guy actually does wait until the third date that he’s completely respectful of them and basically some kind of angel… trust me, that’s not necessarily true.

Some guys I know have waited months before being intimate – on their own terms. They’ve been emotionally burned before by girls, and for whatever reason, they just want to take their time and really sound things out before jumping into a full on sexual relationship. Saying that, I also know guys who follow the common “try before you buy” guy rule of having sex very early on the relationship, to see if the sex is good before emotionally commiting…

So there’s no hard and fast rule here. Go too fast and you can get burned. Go too slow and you can miss out on huge pleasure and connections along the way. Some people run from intimacy. Some people run to intimacy. True intimacy requires the investment of time and emotions from each partner – so there’s something to gain and something to lose. As a couple your timing is simply something you need to work out for yourselves, as a team. If you are going to have sex together, there are a few things you should consider first.

Firstly, I’d suggest waiting until you have absolute chemistry. Chemistry is going to allow things to happen naturally, as your body and mind will truly desire the other person. This is a great foundation for mind blowing sex and orgasmic pleasure. If you’re really into each other, before um, um, um… getting physically into each other, then the sex is likely to be amazing!

Sex can truly make or break relationships. Great sex can really strengthen relationships and take them to the next level – quickly, and with security and tight bonding for both partners. Bad sex can be a game changer too – but let me make it clear: whether sex happens early on or later on in the relationship, it’s not actually the sex that’s to blame for any relationship breakups. Sex is a force that drives people together, and provides relief. But if the sex is built on a relationship that has no foundation or connection, then there’s nothing to sustain the relationship without it. Pouring petrol on a fire will make it glow for a period of time, but you’ve got to ensure the fire has a good foundation of sticks and paper to keep the burning potential alive, after the petrol has evaporated. Keep maintaining and stoking your fire with love, discussions, acts of kindness, and time together – outside of the sex itself. Keep building your foundations!

Secondly, if any partner seems to be prioritising sex over the relationship itself, then run away and DON’T have sex with them – at least not yet. Let the anticipation and tension build a little, and see if your partner is ready to go the distance and wait for YOU to be ready. Sex is an important part of any relationship – but it should not be the reason you’re together or stay together. You should put your time together, discussions, and goals well ahead of your need for intimacy. There’s no point having ok sex but being stuck with an idiot you don’t love to have it!

Thirdly, be prepared for what happens AFTER you have sex together for that first time. Are you prepared for your relationship to go to a new level, and for all that could mean? Are you prepared for your relationship to potentially fizzle out if the sex isn’t good? Are you prepared for your own emotional pondering after the event and the internal questions you’ll ask yourself over and over like “Does he / she love me?”, “Was he / she thinking about someone else when he was with me?”, “Was I good enough sexually for my partner?”, “I wonder how he / she rates me?” etc? Sex IS a big step for any relationship, certainly for any relationship in which you’re contemplating a level of commitment, so make sure you’re emotionally ready to handle it. If you’re not emotionally secure in yourself, then WAIT until you are.

There’s nothing wrong with having sex when you feel you’re both ready – but be aware that once it’s happened you can’t turn back the clock. You’re grown adults and you have a collective responsibility to build the relationship from that point on – and to deal with any aftermath.

I can’t give you specific timeframes on when it’s right to get intimate in your relationship. There’s no set formula. Logically, you’ll KNOW when it’s the right time for you. Whether you’re at home, in a hotel, or on holiday to a beach or exotic location, you’ll know when your mind and body are both telling you that you NEED to sleep with this person. Whether that’s after your first date, your third date, your tenth date, 5 months down the road, or after you’re married, you’ll know – because you’ll let it happen. At that moment, you’ll truly open yourself to your partner with full emotional and bodily vulnerability, and be open to love and mutual pleasure.

And that’s truly something to look forward to, and to think on daily until it happens!